Last night, in what would’ve made for a great elementary Dr. Watson moment, I finally cracked the jai Jinendra code that Gujjus live by. You see, Gujjus are a very ingenious people. They came up with a mechanism that converts non-Gujjus to half gujjus and helps pure Gujjus to stay pure Gujjus. This is accomplished by strategically placing Gujjus everywhere in the world. Before the world knew what hit them, Gujjus were everywhere, running small businesses, wearing ill-fitting floral shirts and eating dhokla. Soon, there were too many of them just about everywhere for anything to be done.

Gujjus today handle the logistics and maintain a steady supply of their people all over the world by using AIESEC as their cover front. In what would seem like a harmless student body association, AIESEC enjoys assistance from some of the biggest corporations in the world and is essentially a cover for trafficking Gujjus to every part of the world. I finally understood this when I observed a Dandiya Ras from up close yesterday. It was horrible. Men and women, wearing colorful costumes were jiving and forcing the others around them to indulge their madness. Only a Gujju could act completely drunk and yet be completely sober, all at the same time, as I found out first hand.

AIESEC adheres to the core ideology of their Gujju overlords. “Jive Dude, Jive”. “Make a retarded Rhyme, dude”

My association with Gujjus goes back a long way. I grew up surrounded by them, as I’m sure everybody in the world did. You have to live in a cave on Mars to not know someone with a last name Patel on a first name basis.

You see, I’ve been forced to jive. It’s an experience I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy, which co-incidentally, happen to be Gujjus because I know for a fact that they’d enjoy it. Some Gujjus are so smart that they invented Michchhāmi Dukkaḍaṃ that translates to “you are now absolved of whatever evil you’ve done throughout the year”. Bloody Convenient, eh? They make confession seem like prison time. At least while making a confession to a priest, a man feels some guilt for his sins. But Gujjus are several steps ahead. No guilt, no forgiving father. Every man, woman, round midget and motabhai can exercise their Michchhāmi Dukkaḍaṃ clause and be absolved of all sins. That’s how they sleep at night. Like babies.

Gujjus even spread their language to Persians! And Muslims! They sneakily renamed them to Bawas and Boris. In my opinion, if you can spread your culture to the two most unrelenting faiths known to mankind, you have to be an evil genius. Or a Gujju.

Seriously, Muslims and Parsis overcame great odds and came to India in the hope of spreading their culture here, but Gujjus were like “Way ahead of you bitch! This subcontinent ain’t big enough for the both of us” So Parsis were like “Oh, fuck it. Let us stay here, we’ll only live in our baugs, we’ll even speak your language. Persian grammar was anyway a little too complicated for us. You’d think Latin was hard!”

So the Gujjus went “Chalse”. “But no worshipping our Gods okay? You only get to worship what we worship our Gods with – Fire. Nothing more for you, immigrants!” Such Cruel Irony.

Like every major religious faith in the world, there’s a group of Gujjus who take it too far with the religious fanaticism. These people are called Jains. They reinvented cuisines all over the world to suit their needs. They’re crazy people. If you’re with them, eat the Jain Garlic Bread and move on with your life. Don’t be a hero.

And Bengalis, Gujjus stole their one festival from them. During Navratri, Gujjus totally steal Kolkata’s thunder. Nobody cares about Durga Puja, Everyone’s busy playing Garba. Bongs were “Gorba Ros! Ae! Ae!” Let’s face it, During Navratri, Usha Uthup doesn’t even make as much money as the VAT that Falguni Pathak has to pay from her Navratri earnings. Clearly, The Gujjus won Navratri.


Falguni Pathak – The chubby dude who stole Navratri from Kolkata

And now they have Amitabh Bacchhan too (Kuch din to gujariye Gujrat mein). The Gujjus are unstoppable. Befriend that which you cannot defeat.