“Krishna and Balram were brothers. Krishna and Arjun were, bros”
She entered the Kurukshetra bar and looked around and went weak in her knees. It was full of good looking strangers who were all very likely to be great in bed, all men of unmatched sexual prowess, with weapons of mass destruction in their pants. She looked at them, confused. She asked Siddhant, her wing man, bro and mentor to take her to the center of the bar so she could take a good look at what she was up against.
Siddhant had been in a bar or two but in this one, he was just the designated driver. A Saarthi for Bharathi, if you will.
“I cannot do this. I simply can’t. My hair is frizzing up, my top is sweaty and falling off of my shoulders. My bra is loose. What should I do Siddhant? What should I do? I can’t do this do this! Help me. Guide me.”
Siddhant looked at her with his disarming smile. She was pretty…and befuddled. It was cute.
“Right now I’m listening, dear Bharathi*…Go on.”
“I know I’m pretty, but look at these people! I’ll have to put out like crazy. Not to mention put up with their weird quirks. It’s a huge price to pay to get laid. I don’t wanna get laid like this. Please Siddhant, take me home.”
“Getting laid is not a choice, Bharathi, it is your duty.”
“But why? Why don’t I get to decide? Teach me, O Master Debater.”
“Why me? Why my methods?”
“Because yours are the methods that work. I trust you and I need to do this. Enlighten me. There is no truth superior to you. Everything rests upon you, as pearls are strung on a thread. Tell me who you are and what you’re capable of.”
“Well, since you asked…I am the taste in water, the light of the sun, the syllable om in the Vedic mantras; I am the sound in ether and ability in man.”
“O daughter of Bala, I am the original fragrance of the earth, and I am the heat in fire. I am the life of all that lives, and I am the erection of every penis. I am the original seed of all existences, the intelligence of the intelligent, and the prowess of all powerful men. I am the strength of the strong, devoid of passion and desire. I am sex life which is not contrary to religious principles; all states of being – be they of goodness, passion or ignorance are manifested by My energy. I am, in one sense, everything – but I am independent. I am not under the modes of this material nature.”
“I am awesome, O Bharathi! This is as awesome as it gets. Be awesome Like me!” He said, throwing his arms in the air, as if he was Randy Orton.
“What is the ultimate secret to awesomeness? My heart yearns to be awesome like you”
“Following my ways is the path to true and divine awesomeness. My ways are inscrutable and yet effective. Lesser men, who question me and my methods are sad and achieve nothing. They are unhappy. Those miscreants who are grossly foolish, lowest among mankind, whose knowledge is stolen by illusion, and who partake of the atheistic nature of idiots, do not surrender unto me. Being engaged in my transcendental service is the way to eternal awesomeness. Men of small intelligence think they do not need me, and their fruits are limited and temporary.”
“Tell me again in detail, O Compeer of the universe of your mighty potencies and glories, for I never tire of hearing your ambrosial words.” said Bharathi.
“I control heat, the rain and the drought. I am immortality, and I am also death personified. Both being and non being are in Me.”
“I am the silicone in breast implants, I am the latex in condoms, and I am the motility of sperms. I am the lubricated walls of the vagina. I am coitus and I am climax. I am cuddling, I am spooning, and I am pillow talk. I am nuzzling and I am the musky warm breath down your neck that drives you crazy.”
“Amongst pornstars I am Lisa Ann, among actors I am Johnny Depp, among villains I am Heath Ledger’s Joker, among TV characters I am Barney. Among musicians I am Kurt Cobain and among bands I am Dire Straits. Among straight men I am Charlie Sheen and Neil Patrick Harris among gays.”
“Among SUVs I’m a Hummer and among sedans I’m BMW. Among bikes I’m a Harley and among laptops, I’m alienware. Among lingerie I’m Victoria’s secret and among diamonds, I am the Cullinan. Among girls I am Anusha and among Bros I am Bharathi. Among photographers Rishi and among geeks I am Varsha”
“The whole cosmic order is under Me. By My will it is manifested again and again, and by My will it is annihilated at the end. Intelligence, knowledge, freedom from doubt and delusion, forgiveness, truthfulness, self-control and calmness, pleasure and pain, birth, death, fear, fearlessness, nonviolence, equanimity, satisfaction, austerity, charity, fame and infamy are created by Me alone.”
“So you see? I’m pretty awesome.”
“I do. I wish to see your divine form.”
“Yeah..I know…divine eyesight..gimme..fast!”
“Umm no…I have a girlfriend and stuff..”
“Oh..sorry dude..my bad”
“Now, Bhartay, now you get laid.”
*Bharathi is a fictional character. No one I know in particular has been mentioned in this post.